So I heard a podcast this morning and felt as if clarity to my questioning was breaking through. The title was windows and mirrors and the teacher spoke of looking internally to find ourselves, looking for a constant but finding a confusing, ever-changing thing. He spoke of looking to God and knowing his truth, knowing him to really see our purpose. I know this sounds like something we've all heard at some point. Many times even but this teaching shed new light into dark corners.
We must lose our life to gain it. Not stopping to gaze at ourselves until we fully understand who we are to know what we should move forward on but pressing into Christ as he makes our path clearer and clearer.
For me I know that looking inward pulls me further in until I'm not sure how to make it back. I begin to judge even the victories in my life until I see faults in everything. I feel discontent and what do I do in response? I look deeper. Oh crazy, crazy me. Turning into a pillar of salt, made immovable by looking backwards instead of where I'm heading. In the teaching he spoke of the mirror becoming more like a hall of mirrors with distorted visions of ourselves shaped by how others have seen and spoken of us as well.
I've heard that verse about losing our lives so many other times and thought about it intellectually, hearing but not quite understanding. My life really does feels lost and my trajectory out of whack with myself, my thoughts, my logic at the center. No matter how full of good intentions, I'm lost. How can I stop comparing and live; if at the heart of my self-contemplation is a desire to save myself apart from Christ? Whether that's what I acknowledge it to be or not.
So how do I go about trusting in such a way that I leave the past and my future in God's hands? All I can think is that I seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. Seek to really know God and look outward. See others. Seek him in such a way that I am enthralled with his majesty and driven by the overflow. Where my steps are naturally directed, not artificially manufactured. Motivated by his beauty and his heart and my truest self taking shape through that.
Messy, impatient seeker of Truth,