So I heard a podcast this morning and felt as if clarity to my questioning was breaking through. The title was windows and mirrors and the teacher spoke of looking internally to find ourselves, looking for a constant but finding a confusing, ever-changing thing. He spoke of looking to God and knowing his truth, knowing him to really see our purpose. I know this sounds like something we've all heard at some point. Many times even but this teaching shed new light into dark corners.
We must lose our life to gain it. Not stopping to gaze at ourselves until we fully understand who we are to know what we should move forward on but pressing into Christ as he makes our path clearer and clearer.
For me I know that looking inward pulls me further in until I'm not sure how to make it back. I begin to judge even the victories in my life until I see faults in everything. I feel discontent and what do I do in response? I look deeper. Oh crazy, crazy me. Turning into a pillar of salt, made immovable by looking backwards instead of where I'm heading. In the teaching he spoke of the mirror becoming more like a hall of mirrors with distorted visions of ourselves shaped by how others have seen and spoken of us as well.
I've heard that verse about losing our lives so many other times and thought about it intellectually, hearing but not quite understanding. My life really does feels lost and my trajectory out of whack with myself, my thoughts, my logic at the center. No matter how full of good intentions, I'm lost. How can I stop comparing and live; if at the heart of my self-contemplation is a desire to save myself apart from Christ? Whether that's what I acknowledge it to be or not.
So how do I go about trusting in such a way that I leave the past and my future in God's hands? All I can think is that I seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. Seek to really know God and look outward. See others. Seek him in such a way that I am enthralled with his majesty and driven by the overflow. Where my steps are naturally directed, not artificially manufactured. Motivated by his beauty and his heart and my truest self taking shape through that.
Messy, impatient seeker of Truth,
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Inside my heart is rumbling a story. I don't quite know what's inside. It feels a bit uncomfortable and messy. I know that what wants to come out will not be contained. I've been sitting in church services with a discomfort in my soul as if there is a question in my heart that has not been answered. A question that requires digging and long honest looks in the mirror. Is it one question though? I feel full of passion and fragility. Am I enough? What does it means that you are made strong in our weaknesses? Is it too much to ask that I be myself, fully alive and fully submitted to you? Oh God it seems scary to be myself around others and to love the way you've made me to. Not a faded counterfeit tainted by compromise and comparison.
Oh God I want to boast in my weakness and see you shine through till that's all others see. I want you to shine forth like a bright light through all those places where brokenness and submission have made a way for great testimonies of your faithfulness, miraculous provision, healing and reconciliation. Make me braver each day, regardless of past rejection or fear of perception. Embolden me and teach me to write the words of your heartbeat.
for the barren
Resurrection in the rubble
You do these things
while we still stumble
up through the cracks
new life forcing it's way through
This is what You do
You hold our fragile hearts
in your rugged hands
strengthen us to sit
encourage us to crawl
then hold your breath, while we get up to stand
Only you can
Heaven's breaking in