Mental Pillow Fight

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Lately I've had some sleep issues. Sometimes it seems as though going to bed an hour later than normal signals to my brain to go into hyperdrive. Where as I lay down my brain thinks I must organize every thought for my current and distant future until I know all the secrets of the universe. Well I do not know all the secrets of the universe yet and I do not believe that I am going to accomplish this at any point while drifting in and out of consciousness. At this point my brain alternates trying to solve all my problems with worrying about anything you can imagine to worry about in a nonsensical manner.

My brain says, "Remember those people that were nice to you earlier?"

"Yes", I say as I try to roll over to sleep.

"Maybe they thought you were stupid."

"I don't think so, they were nice." I think in my grogginess.

"Well you never know do you?"

"I'm trying to sleep, shut up!", I think.

Then I continue to lay there half thinking ridiculous thoughts, half ignoring them trying to sleep.

So I've cut out caffeine recently. Just like a diet though as soon as my mind realizes that I'm going to deny myself something it begins to think I need it more than anything life could ever offer. I may drink a cup of coffee every other day but now my mind believes I just might need it everyday and starts to romanticize the act of drinking coffee.

My brain-"Remember how wonderful it was to get a cup of coffee at Barnes & Noble and sit down and read while Owen played at the train table?"

Me-"Um, that was 3 years ago."

My brain-"But it was so wonderful."

Me-"Well not only is that not an option with Noah the boisterous 2 yr old but I get shaky when I drink coffee and haven't slept well."

My brain-"But it would be wonderful."

Me-"You're grasping."

Which reminds me I went out with the boys to the mall the other day and Family Christian Bookstore had travel mugs for $5. I wanted to get one to carry my DECAF-earl grey I treated myself to buying last week. I picked up several different mugs with various designs and scriptures on them to see which one I liked. One of them had cute little coffee cups all over it and had the scripture, "Be still and know that I am God." I was struck by the irony of downing caffeine and then struggling to still my thoughts to hear from God and I just couldn't buy it. Felt hypocritical. :)

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I'm listening God!

So I picked out a forest scene with the words, "May the peace of God be with you always." Since that would be what I am going for right now.

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I've also recently put down Christian self-help books for the moment. Any book other than the bible teaching about anything. I need a mental break, a bit of chosen silence, waiting on God without the aid of other people experiences/teachings/etc. I need simplicity. More music, more art, less talk. More nature, less pie charts. More community, less memoirs. More God, less worry, less self-help, more joy. More him, less me?

I trust my sleep will come in line as I trust him and let go more.

I saw a quote somewhere in my pinterest wanderings, "To let go is to fear less, Trust in God more and freely give the love he's given to me."

I just want to go one step further and remind you that you have to accept His Love 1st before you'll be free to give it out. You don't deserve it. The point is that Jesus died so that you don't have to try to deserve it anymore. He loved us enough to tear the curtain between us and him. To say I will fulfill the law so that we can be together. It's not just about eternal life or living up to a new set of impossible rules it's about an extravagant love that cares about our every need and desire.

Once I had a dream that showed I had a desire in my heart for accompaniment to a song I wanted to sing and God heard my thoughts and someone came up to play guitar alongside me. He said he was tuned to my heart.

Before Noah was born I had hoped secretly to have Noah on Friday the 9th of April before Travis went to work so I wouldn't have to call him back and worry about getting to the hospital. I was getting large and uncomfortable and I thought, "Travis would have the whole weekend off, my sister-in-law would be town, it would be perfect timing." I didn't pray it because it seemed like a silly thing to ask God. Friday morning though I went into labor and Travis was with me every step of the way. I was able to labor at home some and like I had been praying I didn't need the epidural(because I wanted to recover faster and hold my baby without being too tired). I also prayed that there would be peace over this baby and this birth and when I was handed Noah I felt this incredible peace and joy wash over me. I was so blessed in this birth and felt my prayers were more than answered. God cared about my secret desires as well.

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

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And here's a song I like:

Jess :)

Adventures in Self-Control

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Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

One of the things I've been praying for this year is for our household to speak words of life, encouragement, respect and love to each other instead of the alternative. Stepping back from just letting life happen to me and seeing how my house runs was quite an eye-opener. All over the place people are ignoring each other and making tasks or entertainment more important than relationship. We are quick to anger, slow to forgive with performance seeming to be the salve to our wounds. I'm hearing belittling instead of encouraging and self is being lifted higher than our connections together. Unacceptable. And I'm definitely included in this disappointing scenario.

Now don't get me wrong everyone has bad days and things that make them quicker to anger.

But this was becoming our norm not the exception. So I've been praying.

And the thing about praying about this kind of change is that it requires action.

You can't pray, "Oh God get me out of this mess."; thinking you have nothing to do with the equation. I heard somewhere that the mother is responsible for creating the atmosphere in her own home. And then I read this:

A wise woman builds her home. But the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

Guess I have some responsibility here.

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So I started by apologizing to my son Owen for fighting with daddy in front of him and for my disrespectful and unloving words. I told him that I want this to change in our house and I want it to change in me. If you want accountability tell your five year old because they will call you on your bad behavior no problem.

With my sons I try to encourage them in their passions and in perseverance for the harder things reminding them of how amazing they are. And with my husband I'm trying to check myself. Should I say this? Am I being sensitive, respectful, encouraging? I know I've got sensitivity blind spots right now so I'm praying that God would show them to me in a way I can handle. Grace. Mercy. Love.

So I'm straightening out my path before me( see proverbs below).

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Trying to proactively change the atmosphere in my home with the Lord's help. Spending more time with God because out relationship with him comes peace, security, confidence, and so many more things. But the peace guards your heart out of which comes the wellsprings of life; making it easier to change the course of my words into words that are full of love instead of negativity.

Proverbs 4:20-27
20 My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
21 Don’t lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
22 for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
23 Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
24 Avoid all perverse talk;
stay away from corrupt speech.
25 Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
26 Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
27 Don’t get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

Phil 4:7
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Love this guy!

Proverbs 4:20-27