Money, Marriage, Miracles, Oh my!

So I'm writing this because Travis and I have been complimented on our ability to handle money over the years.  I can honestly say I feel blessed to be in a marriage that can handle hard discussions and keep going.  After ten years of marriage we relate more and more to those vows we spoke out loud in front of friends and loved ones.  For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, crabbiness and joy( I hope that was one of them!).
 
 Anyways, somehow we've managed to get through a variety of money issues mostly unscathed.
Although it isn't because we haven't made mistakes.  We bought a condo when we didn't really have the money and got stuck with it for 8 years or so( our family growing, our place not).  We've bought bad vehicles that weren't cheap.  We couldn't afford insurance and then had an emergency that made us realize why we couldn't afford not to.  My husband has been downsized twice and we once went five months without income( which in retrospect doesn't seem long but it did then).
 
 I'm so thankful for where we are now, which is attempting to aggressively pay down my school loan but at times I feel the urge not to be thankful.  To want things that I can't have right now, to splurge, to not pay attention to our budget.  I ignore it though and thank God for all our financial breakthrough and favor( at least that's what I'm doing right now).  Thank him for the courage to use our tax money to fix and sell our condo when we really just wanted to run away from it.
 
 Our condo that we'd owned had felt like a hopeless weight trapping us in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.  In all actuality we owned next to none of it and I was afraid that costs of selling were going to outweigh what we got for it.  We did it though.  We prayed and put our money into it trusting it to sell.  By the end before we sold it we had 3 boys in the condo and just about all of our belongings in a storage unit so we could fit.  It sold the day before it was on the market officially!
 
 There have been so many times in our marriage like that financially that if I stop to think about it I can't help but feel blessed.  Bills being payed on time despite no money, a job with perfect timing so there was no lag in pay between the ending of another job which included severance money, large hospital bills being written off, health insurance being back paid, grocery bills staying at $50 no matter how much I got!  Praise God!
 
 Travis and I do have a heart for saving, budgeting, living within our means and total honesty in our finances.  For some crazy reason we enjoy it and at times staying within our budget feels like a game and the prize is financial freedom.  Every time we feel anxious about money or frustrated I find the best thing to do is look at reality, not how it feels, to talk and to pray.  At times it can feel personal and raw and uncomfortable because it's addressing needs, wants and dreams you may have for yourself and your family but you can trust God.  You can trust him with money and even with all the stuff that goes along with hashing it out.  Numbers are a fact but dealing with them can get messy. I'm so glad that God's held my heart as I've gotten real about this subject again and again.  How I'm scared, how I'm frustrated, how I just want some new clothes and a haircut for goodness sake!
 
 I'm going to come back and address some practical things because every answered prayer was not a miracle.  Sometimes it was just an urge to keep going and to steward what we had but for now talk and be honest.  Look at reality and don't turn away.  Be thankful when it's hard to be thankful and know that he's a faithful, loving and personal God who see's you.

About 7 years ago, in the midst of no money, mortgages, giant student loans and no jobs I sat in a service where the guest preacher shared a pretty random fact about the meanings of names before going on to preach an entirely different message.  I was reminded of a little laminated card I had been given as a little girl that said, Jessica- "Wealthy" and felt the Lord impressing on my heart that I was wealthy no matter how much I had and that he was taking care of my family.  I went and told the preacher after the service and when she asked me to share people handed me money afterward.  It wasn't my intention but it definitely blessed us( we needed it) and I went home to look up my name meaning.  My name was derived from an ancient Hebrew name and means God see's.  Just what I needed to hear.

He sees.

Windows

      So I heard a podcast this morning and felt as if clarity to my questioning was breaking through.  The title was windows and mirrors and the teacher spoke of looking internally to find ourselves, looking for a constant but finding a confusing, ever-changing thing.  He spoke of looking to God and knowing his truth, knowing him to really see our purpose.  I know this sounds like something we've all heard at some point.  Many times even but this teaching shed new light into dark corners.
      We must lose our life to gain it.  Not stopping to gaze at ourselves until we fully understand who we are to know what we should move forward on but pressing into Christ as he makes our path clearer and clearer.
As
We
move
Forward.

     For me I know that looking inward pulls me further in until I'm not sure how to make it back.  I begin to judge even the victories in my life until I see faults in everything.  I feel discontent and what do I do in response?  I look deeper.  Oh crazy, crazy me.  Turning into a pillar of salt, made immovable by looking backwards instead of where I'm heading.  In the teaching he spoke of the mirror becoming more like a hall of mirrors with distorted visions of ourselves shaped by how others have seen and spoken of us as well.
     I've heard that verse about losing our lives so many other times and thought about it intellectually, hearing but not quite understanding.  My life really does feels lost and my trajectory out of whack with myself, my thoughts, my logic at the center.  No matter how full of good intentions, I'm lost.  How can I stop comparing and live;  if at the heart of my self-contemplation is a desire to save myself apart from Christ?  Whether that's what I acknowledge it to be or not.

Looking out

    So how do I go about trusting in such a way that I leave the past and my future in God's hands?  All I can think is that I seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.  Seek to really know God and look outward.  See others.  Seek him in such a way that I am enthralled with his majesty and driven by the overflow.  Where my steps are naturally directed, not artificially manufactured.  Motivated by his beauty and his heart and my truest self taking shape through that.

Messy, impatient seeker of Truth,
Jess

Resurrection in the Rubble

        Inside my heart is rumbling a story.  I don't quite know what's inside.  It feels a bit uncomfortable and messy.  I know that what wants to come out will not be contained.  I've been sitting in church services with a discomfort in my soul as if there is a question in my heart that has not been answered.  A question that requires digging and long honest looks in the mirror.  Is it one question though?  I feel full of passion and fragility.  Am I enough?  What does it means that you are made strong in our weaknesses?  Is it too much to ask that I be myself, fully alive and fully submitted to you?  Oh God it seems scary to be myself around others and to love the way you've made me to.  Not a faded counterfeit tainted by compromise and comparison.

       Oh God I want to boast in my weakness and see you shine through till that's all others see.  I want you to shine forth like a bright light through all those places where brokenness and submission have made a way for great testimonies of your faithfulness, miraculous provision, healing and reconciliation.  Make me braver each day, regardless of past rejection or fear of perception.  Embolden me and teach me to write the words of your heartbeat.  

Birth    

for the barren

Resurrection in the rubble

You do these things 

while we still stumble

Green shoots.... 

up through the cracks

new life forcing it's way through

This is what You do

You hold our fragile hearts

in your rugged hands

strengthen us to sit

encourage us to crawl 

then hold your breath, while we get up to stand

Only

You

Can

Only you can

Heaven's breaking in

Jess

Brave Failures

Noah looked at me just now from his sandbox and said, "I wanna fail mommy."

I thought for a split second about trying to boost his self esteem and encourage him not to but I stopped.  I stopped because I thought I about all the times I myself have not done the very thing I desire to because I was afraid to fail.

So instead I said, "That's very brave of you.  Did you know that some people are afraid to fail and miss out on a lot of cool things?"

Noah was silent for awhile and kept playing.  After a few minutes of quietly pushing his truck around, picking up sand and pouring it out he replied.

"I'll do it Mom, I'll fail then," he said with quiet confidence.

And there it is, our greatest fears and accomplishments all wrapped up with a messy bow.  Failure.  It's brave and adventurous.  Gruesome.  Scary.  Exhilarating?  Necessary.

Yesterday a woman came into MOPS to talk about stress management and something she said really struck me.  She talked about playing a game against a computer and how the computer has an algorithm that knows all the different moves you could make and plays accordingly.  She was relating it to how God is in control no matter our choices.  He can anticipate the outcomes of our next moves and as she was speaking I remembered a speaker named Danny Silk and how he talked about God not being afraid of our failures.  God placed two trees in the garden and pointed them out.  He knew the potential for bad choices and yet gave Adam and Eve the freedom to fail.  And he had a plan.  I don't believe it caught him by surprise or threw him into a worrisome tizzy.

So I ask him for the boldness to love in the face of failure.  Mine, my husbands, my boys(oh those boys), friends, strangers.

And to create, dream and step into joyful desires willing to fail and fail hard.

Even at this post!  lol*  Hope you're failing triumphantly today.

Falling behind and running forward

So today I got my educators discount card from Barnes & Noble.  All I had to do was ASK!

Now if you know me than you might know that this is a dangerous thing for me to wield as I love books and games and tools for learning.  I love things that my kids might not give one hoot about.  Although that may be because they are not owls.  I digress.

Source: photobity.com via Erin on Pinterest

 Real (cute) Owl

So I was searching for something to challenge Owen in Math as he surpassed what we already had.  We've been working with money, time and fractions at home without a workbook and at one point we had a free trial for a challenging math program online called Dreambox.  It was good but it was $10 a month that I didn't want to pay.  

As my boys explored the toy area with Legos and a Train Set to play with I poured over curriculum of all kinds with mostly math as the focus.  

Goodness there are a lot of choices.  My brain felt like a computer trying to sort through what to throw out and what to keep, what would be engaging and what would not, what is too advanced or too remedial.  I settled in on a Brain Quest Workbook for grade 1 because it looked like fun.  It's not going to cover everything we'll go over in a year but it's a good jumping off point.  I didn't get something with only math when I saw this could give us some much-needed writing prompts and a short overview of a lot of subjects.  It's full of fun short exercises in many subjects and I'm hoping will be a good supplement to encourage confidence in reading, writing and math.  We'll still be doing things at home utilizing the library, the internet and projects or trips made up from our own creative minds but I think this will be a good addition.

It's funny that although I know Owen may be behind in some ways according to the public schools agenda for reading and writing we've been able to go much further in other areas like science and history.  Plus we get to talk about things like politics, compassion, self-control, current events and ancient religion keeps coming up again and again due to any history lesson.  Owen has even developed a love of cooking fun kid food this year and of course he is still building Legos voraciously.

I feel blessed to be able to choose new experiences based on interests and passions.  We're able to attend a kids class on nature science, robots, or animals as well as sitting together to read an easy reader.  We're able to touch dinosaur bones and not just read about them.  We can have recess with cousins or outings with friends.  Last summer we spent a lot of time picking leaves, berries, acorns and pine cones to identify trees.  I remember doing that in 6th grade science.  :)

So I am leaving the hurt I've held on to from negatives comments and experiences Owen has had in his struggle to adapt in public school, sunday school, his enrichment courses or even in playgroups and only taking the lessons with me.

A few weeks ago I read a church sign as I drove away from Owen's homeschool enrichment classes that said, "Mistakes are lessons too."  I think that has been one of the hardest things for me to resign myself with. I don't jump in just to fix everything socially or academically but I've let myself get hurt so badly watching him struggle and fail or hear other people talk about it.  Being with him has helped change my view to see the passion and compassion he's filled with although his self-control and emotional maturity can still be difficult.  I don't think it's fair to let it define him.

He is six.....and a boy......and was somehow born a very strong individual.  Hmmm....

I'm glad to be here to guide and support him through his hard lessons, reminding myself of the character it will help to build even if we don't see it to begin with.

Last week in his Monday enrichment courses I was overjoyed to hear my son made the choice to move classes from Fitness to Habitats.  He's been having a hard time with the fact that he's been in two gym classes back to back that have very flexible rules( but rules to be kept still) and the whole gym class social dynamic.  Each week he'd been given the choice to participate or not to.  He was choosing not to, almost every time and had been getting in trouble out of boredom on the sidelines with a friend.  So after weeks of talking about it, talking to the teacher, and getting utterly frustrated I thought;  "Whatever, he's only got four weeks left.  He can just ride it out until next semester when we'll change what we need to."

So I was pretty amazed when I let go of the situation( stopped trying to fix it for a moment) that my son made this choice.  We had discussed it a few weeks before but it was by no means resolved.  Anyways, that growth to me meant so much more than anything he would've done because I had stood there and made it happen.  We had disciplined, discussed and lectured but when he finally had a break and a little room to breath and think about it without my interruption he made a good choice for himself.  He's growing.  :)

So God please give me wisdom( and self-control!) for when to intervene, when to discuss and when to allow for freedom to fall or to succeed knowing that those moments help him to become much stronger than any safe, controlled environment ever could.  God I believe you err on the side of Freedom, please help me to get there.

And thank you for these strong-willed, rambunctious, amazing boys!

Help me to guide them as they race toward their destinies, sometimes being more sure of their steps than I am.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Technically I'm supposed to be writing a grocery list right now.

So without going into all the details I'm just going to say this past month has been a bit overwhelming but we are calming down now and having more time for each other and room to breathe.

You may already now(especially if you're friends or family) but I have two beautiful boys who are 2 and 6.  We have just started our first homeschooling year for our 1st born Owen and we are finding our way.  I spent the 1st month rushing forward getting kind of bossy and angry because I was stressed and pregnant and trying to figure things out.  Surprise, surprise I had some opposition to this method.

So I kept( and still keep) going to God in prayer asking for wisdom and the ability to let my son make choices in this process.  I've also made it a point to try and back off when I sense I'm coming on too strongly and my timing for something is off.  I'm also trying to value my sons interests even when they seem frivolous to me( video games anyone?).

We're starting to have more fun with this now.  Yay!

Owen's started reading here and there with his dad.  Video games, bedtime stories, not big words but much more willing than with me so I'm grateful.

Last week at some point Owen woke up and wanted to work out some math problems just for fun.  We did this for about 20 minutes before we ate breakfast.  Fun development.

We've had lot's of new opportunities to connect with others, go on field trips, and living history days that we've had to pick and choose so as to not do too much.  Trying to find a good balance.

My son loves hands on and he loves to lead.  So I'm praying for ways to nurture this as well as gently challenge him to see the value in more passive learning and in working together in groups.  I am also very hands on but like to stand off and observe or take it all in as well.  My most cherished moments growing up were times where I could travel somewhere and experience new things in deeper ways.  I'm still like that.

I've also noticed that Owen has some sensory things that bother him( some since he was a baby).  I think I've given into some belief in the past that you'll get over something if you're made to do it, wear it, eat it, whatever so I haven't been quick to cater to him.  I have been realizing though( with the help of my husband and other friends) that this is not always the best way to go about this.  My husband helped me to see this about myself.  So I'm trying to see where I've been too harsh and allow for some grace.

Example:  Owen doesn't like Sunday morning worship at our church but he will happily sit through and sometimes participate in the much quieter Friday nite worship.

I used to worry that Owen hated worship altogether( he showed such a strong dislike) but he is much more respectful and willing to participate in a quieter atmosphere.

So I'm trying to give room to be different, room to have preferences and room to let him feel powerful and be respected as well.  I'm trying not to bulldoze.  I want to nurture a house of respect and love.  Wow is that challenging.  It's not all about me and my way.  I think that's the 1st hurdle in giving anyone else respect young or old.  I guess that can be a hurdle for a lot of things.

I thank God for my husband who fills in gaps where I lack and who has grace for me too( I am not always lovely).

I thank God for his being with me and my family every step.  The word I kept standing on all month long was the promise that his mercies are new every morning.  Great is Thy Faithfulness is going through my mind now.  It's true though.  I'd have the most exasperating day where it seemed as if everything was going wrong and the next morning I'd feel his peace and joy and I'd thank him for everything I could think of.  I could feel his mercy on me and new strength to face the day.

I'm praying for the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in our household and to be led by the Spirit not only in my personal walk but in our steps forward as a family.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength.

Back to school time when learning is everywhere

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( Cute party ideas from Sweet Designs)

So even with my husbands schooling, possible job change and the idea that I may be going back to work in some capacity we are still homeschooling.  So grabbing the paper two Sundays ago I picked up the ads and start flipping through the school supplies.  I used to get excited about the sales and buying brand new supplies for a fresh start each year that even when Owen was too young I'd still browse the back to school stuff.  Even when I went to Culinary school I bought supplies as if I was going to high school.  So for years I've had folders and notebooks and a tiny dictionary and thesaurus that I've had little to no use for.
This year I noticed something really quickly as I looked over the ads......I don't need any of it.  Except maybe a pack of cheap markers and a 1 penny pack of pencils just in case.

I looked again this week as if they'd have a cheap science kit on sale or books on Leonardo DaVinci (whom we've been reading about in prep for a local exhibit).

Instead a lot of my supplies have come from the thrift store or the library and an amazon gift card.  I have had to suppress the urge to buy insane amounts of books because there will always be a new book we want to read and I can't buy them all.  I did invest $2.99 into a children's dictionary though to encourage Owen's reading and understanding.  I'm trying to get items that I know we will get good use out it and are relevant to our learning experience.


I'm excited to say that Owen read me a couple pages out of a favorite book the other day.  They were pushing hard to have them all reading by the end of Kindergarten but it was turning him off to it a bit.  So if we asked him to read something short at home he'd say, "I can't, I can't you read it!" and get all flustered that we even asked him.  I'm trying to give him a little room because I figure he has time and an insatiable need to know things so he's got to start reading eventually.  So I keep asking him to pick out books or grabbing something I know he wanted to learn about at the library and leaving it with him.  We read together a lot( we finished the reading quota one month into the summer reading program this year amazingly).

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I'm wondering about recommendations for chapter books for boys as I know they can lead to further interest and learning on a variety of topics.  

Noah is right there alongside his brother as we've begun to learn about dinosaurs, numbers, flying, shapes and patterns, writing and drawing.  He dances, plays and repeats just about everything we say.  He loves uncovering dinosaurs and fossils, trying to say parallelogram, and covering his eyes counting between 7 and 8 only and yelling "Here I come!"

So we haven't officially started yet and yet we have.  We've been opening our eyes to see the learning opportunities all around us.  Figuring out a rhythm to this homeschooling stuff.   I'm excited and at some points I've already worried.  Worried about how we are going to do all this.  Or contemplating 2nd grade through 12th as if I have to have a set plan for his whole life for this one year to be successful.  So I'm happy to say that is not true and I know we can take things bit by bit and change to meet Owen and Noah's needs.  I have seen that Owen can lean towards the ADHD side of things but in different environments this does not seem so serious.  He has to be comfortable with how he learns and know how to manage himself and we are here to guide him, to keep encouraging and to lead him in the way he should go.  So God please help us to know how to lead and where to lead and give us patience and Joy in the process.  Please help me not to take everything so seriously that I can't enjoy and truly be apart of things.

I realize though that my love of school supplies is tied to my love of learning and delving into new things and new adventures.  So as sad as it may seem to toss aside the back to school frenzy I'm excited for new prospects.  I think this attachment can be redirected into our new learning endeavors and creativity within that.  Joy!  :)

Maybe I can have a Back to Homeschool party to satisfy my need to celebrate.

Too adorable joyful pic-link below

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